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On this Christmas morning, do you fret about selecting quite the right gift for that someone special? I constantly strive, yet wherever I look the suggestions flood in with impractical ideas. No, I don’t want a candle that smells like turkey, for the simple reason we’ll be cooking turkey. Nor do I want a sunrise alarm clock, because I can leave the curtains open achieves the same thing. I certainly do not desire a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, because said DNA originates in milt. Were I seeking fish sperm applied to my skin, I would go fishing.

Finding Ideas From the Animal Kingdom

So if you constantly search for inspiration, I recommend: learn from the animal kingdom. Our species did not create the act of giving. The practice has been around for over a hundred million years, well before humans appeared. With a little help from natural selection, wild animals have had creatures ample time to perfect gift-giving. Heck, certain arachnids even gift-wrap their presents!

Leaving out fitness gear and other products I dislike, there are five main types of Christmas gift: food, homeware, jewelry, skincare and clothing. The animal kingdom has them all covered.

Culinary Presents: From Protein Snacks to Artisan Kebabs

Certain cuckoo species give their partners high-protein snacks including insects, frogs and lizards. But if you prefer their meat skewered, then look to the great grey shrike, also known as the butcher bird. Males impale prey, like insects and mice, onto pointed thorns and branches crafting artisan kebabs.

Certain insects gift their beaus salivary offerings, yet these are not just any spitballs. These are scorpionfly spitballs, created from the freshest saliva sourced from swollen salivary glands of only the fittest males. The delicacy is packed with nutrients, a key reason why females prefer males with big balls.

Another reason involves the most genetically robust males make the biggest spitballs. When I say “fit” I don’t mean physical appearance, though that may be true. I refer to genetic fitness.

These presents are given as a prelude to sex, thus, by selecting the male with the biggest package, the female is also choosing superior genes. She then consumes the gift while mating but ends intercourse as soon as it’s all gone. Bigger spitballs mean extended mating sessions, during which the male can transfer more sperm and the female is unable to mate with other males. This clarifies why he bothers creating such an intricate present.

Nest-Building and Shiny Objects

These Antarctic penguins do not offer food, but they do give things for the home. On the icy continent, their home, one cannot find a hardware shop, so the penguins must gather their gifts from the local landscape. Every mating season, the males gather pebbles to begin constructing a nest. These crucial components are rare, prompting some chancers to pilfer stones from nearby nests. But when a male presents a stone to a female, it is a sign he is ready to commit. Think of it as the avian version of a diamond ring. The rock doesn’t go on her finger, though. If she also wants to get serious, she accepts the gift and adds it to the nest. Then, after a few final adjustments, they are prepared to start their family.

Speaking of shiny things, crows excel at this gift category. Numerous stories of people who made friends with wild corvids and later received bottle tops, screws, fastenings and other shiny items. In one notable case, two people in Florida even received a diamond bracelet from a crow they often fed. This is particularly endearing because while most animals offer gifts in the hope of scoring, crows apparently just enjoy giving.

The Pinnacle of Combination Gift: Sea Sponges

Off the coast of Australia, dolphins have been spotted plucking clumps of sea sponge from the ocean floor and utilizing them in fascinating manners. On occasion, when they’re rummaging for fish, they wear the sponges on their beak to shield their skin. At other times, when males want to court females, they wear them like jaunty hats before presenting them as gifts.

By doing this, dolphins brilliantly combine the last two categories of holiday gifts. Marine sponges serve as attire and skincare. And if that’s not enough, when males give their sponge hats away, they frequently adopt a curved “banana pose” and produce a little tune through their blowhole.

This is not the half-arsed giving from pets – like a cat presenting a deceased rodent in an obscure corner – or certain individuals. Dolphin presents are considerate, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and delivered with flair. There is a lesson for all of us. A famous singer claims that the only desire for Christmas is a loved one, however, my single holiday wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector from a cetacean who serenades me in a stylish manner.